Tuesday, January 25, 2022

A couple’s viral argument over laundry sparks talk of ableism in relationships

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TikTok user @bonniedoes is a disability advocate who posted about an argument she just had with her husband over laundry.

A couple’s argument over laundry has gone viral, sparking conversation about ableism in relationships.

In a two-and-a-half minute clip, Bonnie explained that she had to teach her 30-something husband how to do laundry.

She said: “Again and again he would totally screw it up and be like, ‘I don’t know, it’s just so hard. I can not.’

“Remember, he can, he’s a perfect execution engineer. He can do laundry.”

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Bonnie went on to explain that her marriage counselor suggested she get a whiteboard to write instructions on — something she claims she suggested “years ago.”

In the clip, she asked, “Do I have a right to be annoyed and angry that it took him so long to do this and as soon as someone else suggests it, he falls over himself and does it and then wants a cookie for it?”

Many other TikTok users sided with Bonnie, and some even shared their anger.

One person wrote: “He does [it] intentionally and looking at this video I want to divorce him even though I am not married to him.”

Another agreed, commenting: “He didn’t do it so you would. He knows you’re at the end of your tether, so he’s doing it now.”

Others even suggested that what her husband is doing is something called “armed incompetence” — when someone pretends they don’t know how to do something, or intentionally does it badly so they do it for someone else she.

Someone said, “NTA [not the asshole], perfect example of armed incompetence.”

said Bonnie buzz feed that she lives with multiple disabilities: “I live with connective tissue disease, multiple neurological conditions, a brain injury, and many other comorbidities related to these conditions.”

In a follow-up to her original video, she explained that she let him get away with it for so long because of internalized ableism.

She said: “One of the reasons it took me so long to get my footing in all of this was because I didn’t see enough value in myself.

“I was, and I think I should say I still am, very much into internalized ableism. I had people around me constantly telling me I was so lucky that he stayed with me when I got a lot sicker.”

Bonnie continued, saying she had only recently come to realize how little her husband was doing to help his disabled wife.

She said: “It hit me like a brick how much I was able to accomplish on my own despite being in a partnership.”

Bonnie also revealed that she shared the clips to prevent other disabled people from going through the same thing.

“I don’t want other disabled people, and especially other disabled women, to be in the position I am in.

“We’re always told we don’t bring anything to the table, and once you’ve heard something enough, you can start to believe it. I want to remind them that you can bring anything to the table.”

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